First of all can I thank you on behalf of all the people of the UK for the great work you do each year in bringing joy, happiness and satsumas to my loyal subjects. In a global world we need global figures prepared to act selflessly distributing hope and happiness around the world. With your help I am confident I can continue to fulfil this role and it is with this in mind that I draw up this list.
1 A new Chancellor of the Exchequer.
2 A new Chancellor of Germany (Merkel's failure to understand my Grand Plan is getting irksome).
3 No change to the Shadow Chancellor or his boss, please.
4 A decent biography. I'm rewriting history, isn't it about time some wise scribe did the same?
5 An extra £100bn to help pay for next year's public borrowing requirement would be helpful.
6 On a personal note is there any chance you could, perhaps, change the colour of your suit when you come down the chimney this year? I'm afraid red is starting to play on my nerves.
Santa, as usual my list has been drawn up with the public good in mind. I know we are all struggling in the current economic climate, so I would like to extend my support to your retail and distribution business. In case you are unable to meet my request I am sure a period of temporary public ownership of Father Christmas & Co can be organised - for the public good, of course.
Yours in anticipation
Thank you for your letter and kind offer of help. As a not-for-profit organisation which operates with volunteer work from Santa's Helpers and the reindeers, we have so far been isolated from the worst of your – sorry – the economic crisis. However given the unfortunate incident that took place between your government and a neighbouring country to my own North Pole, it would put my team at ease to know that you won't be using anti-terror legislation against us if any of my clients are disappointed with this year's presents.
I hope that will be alright because I am not sure you have been a good enough boy to have all your presents this year.
1 On the new Chancellor of the Exchequer – you hired him, you fire him. However I wonder whether a pair of Santa's Own Superwhite Eyebrows might at least disguise the problem?
2 You obviously don't know about Ms Merkel's wish regarding you in her list – very painful. I think it best if I turn both of you down.
3 With regards to George, you pushed your luck far enough last year with the request about his summer holiday by the sea.
4 I think a new biography is a good idea. However as I'm still enjoying reading Vernon Coleman's book Gordon is a Moron: The definitive and Objective Analysis… I think I'll leave this one for another year.
5 More financial help? Last year you asked for the same and I gave you five banks. Make do and mend my boy.
6 On a personal note, I will change my suit when you stop watering down the sherry. Don't think I haven't noticed.